I have a number of posts to put on the Blog - at least a dozen. My writing has slowed down a bit. My drive to query and mail out stories is at a stand still. Except for the Blog writing, even my daily journal has suffered.
It has been almost two months since the death of my brother. I have been working on a short story about him, along with collecting stories, old and new, that I put into my file.
Right now - things do not have much meaning for me. I have tried to keep to some sort of routine, exercising at the gym, running necessary errands, helping my daughter in her catering kitchen, and baby-sitting whenever I am asked. Frankly, it is all a routine and I am just going through the everyday motions of life. If I were left alone, I think that I would stay in my pajamas, sit on my rocker in my bedroom, and watch television, non-stop.
I don't know if this is how others cope when faced with the death of a close family member? When my parents died years ago, I was younger. My nine children kept me busy and kept me from thinking. They pulled me along in different directions.
Since the house is quiet, I keep myself busy by getting out, even as I longingly look at my rocker and television to escape from the reality of life and loss. This is how I have been coping. Is it easier? Yes, in some ways I have accepted the death of my brother. I don't seem to cry as often. But the tears come unexpectedly when I receive a phone call from my niece, or an email mentioning him, or when I see his picture, or work on my short story about him. Tears come at the oddest times.
Sometimes, I find myself angry with other people and snap at them for some innocent comment, or trivial remark. I see all of this in a logical way but I still can't make sense of it. I guess that is how it will be for a long time. I am trying to cope as time goes on. I am trying to decide about doing something totally different to help me. But I'm still not quite there. Not just yet.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Why I Went Back to Work
In 2002, I officially retired from my teaching position at the University of Illinois at Chicago. I was giddy with relief. My first book had been accepted for publication and the administrative side of my position—running the undergrad and grad internship program had turned into a nightmare. The new head of the English Department had put me on notice that an internship program had no place in UIC’s English Department. Using the annual state budget as an excuse, he cancelled the internship program.
I was summoned to his office where he explained that he felt bad having to do me this because my son had been his student at Johns Hopkins University. Wow, that was harsh. I sat listening, seething with anger. He wasn’t sorry because I’d spent seven years building a program to include grad students. Finding and finessing internships at prestigious places like Chicago Shakespeare Theater, the American Medical Association, and the American Bar Association. Many grad students went on to be hired at these organizations. I thought I was doing a great job.
He leaned back in his cushy chair, steepled his fingers and said, “I have no idea what your educational background is. But I’m sure you could apply for a comp class or something like that.”
I was done with institutional full time work. I retired early and went home to be a full time writer and part time editor.
Flash forward eight years and two books to 2010. I’m back at work. What changed? For all the baby boomers on the brink of retirement, the answer to that question may disturb you or not, depending on your relationship with work and self. I missed the sense of purpose, I missed the paycheck, I missed the camaraderie, and I even missed catching the commuter train to and from Chicago. But even more than that, I discovered I needed to work. Blame my depression era parents who insisted I start working at age 15—in my house those who worked were afforded a special status--or that my grandkids live far away, or that my husband and friends still work. But I just couldn’t stand being home anymore, even though I volunteered one day a week and was still writing. I need the adrenaline rush of work.
So this summer, I contacted the Director of Creative Writer at Roosevelt University and asked if there were any classes he’d like me to teach. I’d briefly taught there once. He hired me to teach Intro to Creative Writing. There are 34 students in my class, on any given Wednesday, plus a grad student I’m mentoring. It’s an amazing challenge managing a writing class of 34 fledging writers. And to be honest, there are times I wonder if this was a good decision to go back to work, especially when I’m plodding through 34 student pieces. Also, I’m discovering the divide between this generation and my generation is vast. Without doubt the class is too large for a creative writing class. But this is the new working environment post-recession. Workers are being asked to do more, work longer hours, just to hold on to their jobs.
For now I like the challenge. So that’s why I haven’t blogged lately. I’ve been teaching 34 students how to enthrall an audience with their words. I’ll still be contributing to the blog on occasion. But for now, I’m just another working stiff.
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Inner Harbor
I was invited to take a trip with my son, his wife, my nine-year-old granddaughter and an almost month old baby granddaughter. We left Pittsburgh early in the morning to drive to the Inner Harbor in Baltimore, Maryland. It took around four hours to get there. Luckily, we were able to check into our room early. Yes, one room where I would share a bed with my granddaughter, who likes to sleep on top of me and talks in her sleep. She is a bed hog but a cute one. After checking in, and cleaning up, we were ready to do some sightseeing.
The hotel we were staying at was right next to Baltimore's Baseball Stadium,Camden Yards. The use of the bricks for the stadium and design makes Camden Yards look old fashioned and beautiful. The stadium is right next to Chesapeake Bay. It is considered one of the best ballparks and has been an influence on other parks that have been built after it.
On our first day of sightseeing, we walked everywhere, which helps when you eat and don't want to gain too much weight. We actually ate only one complete meal each day of our visit. We walked through a mini gallery filled with shops. Then my son, granddaughter, and I,toured two ships in the harbor, while my daughter-in-law waited on a bench with the baby. The first ship was the USCGC Taney, the last United States' vessel that saw action in Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. We boarded the vessel and walked around touring it's narrow galleys, climbing up and down steps, reading the historical facts, and taking photos of the vessel.
Our second tour was aboard the USS Constellation, which was launched on August 26, 1854. The ship sailed during the Civil War and was used to blockade the Confederate States ship Sumter, until the crew abandoned her. The ship, given its history, was pretty impressive to me, since I am a Civil War buff. The Constellation was being renovated but the interior was large and the wood was beautiful inside the ship. The crew slept on swinging hammocks. The captain's quarter was large and very impressive, even though he didn't spend much time there.
We ate dinner at a place called Philips Seafood House. After dinner we went to Barnes and Noble, which is located in a renovated Power Plant. On top of the smoke-stake is a colorful guitar because the Hard Rock Cafe is one of the restaurants in the Power Plant.
Saturday we were up early, grabbed a drink and snack, and went to the National Aquarium. The place was fantastic, all five levels of it, filled with sharks, sea turtles, manta rays, jelly fish, dolphins and many other aquatic fish. We sat through a 15-minute film at the 4-D Immersion Theater, where we got sprayed with water and felt the wind and cold in our faces. Later we sat through a Dolphin show. My favorite was the sea turtle, Calypso, right down to the missing left flipper that had to be surgically removed to save the turtles life.
We ate dinner in Little Italy and found a fantastic Italian pastry shop, Vaccaro's, where we bought a half moon cookie, a strawberry vanilla napoleon, a cannoli, raspberry gelato, and a delicious nocciola (hazelnut) gelato. Yeah...we needed to walk the meal and desserts off.
Sunday arrived much too quickly. We ate brunch at the Cheesecake Factory and ended our visit on a 45-minute cruise of the Inner Harbor. As we went by the Domino Sugar Factory, the air was saturated with a pleasant odor, ending our trip to the Inner Harbor on a sweet note.
The hotel we were staying at was right next to Baltimore's Baseball Stadium,Camden Yards. The use of the bricks for the stadium and design makes Camden Yards look old fashioned and beautiful. The stadium is right next to Chesapeake Bay. It is considered one of the best ballparks and has been an influence on other parks that have been built after it.
On our first day of sightseeing, we walked everywhere, which helps when you eat and don't want to gain too much weight. We actually ate only one complete meal each day of our visit. We walked through a mini gallery filled with shops. Then my son, granddaughter, and I,toured two ships in the harbor, while my daughter-in-law waited on a bench with the baby. The first ship was the USCGC Taney, the last United States' vessel that saw action in Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. We boarded the vessel and walked around touring it's narrow galleys, climbing up and down steps, reading the historical facts, and taking photos of the vessel.
Our second tour was aboard the USS Constellation, which was launched on August 26, 1854. The ship sailed during the Civil War and was used to blockade the Confederate States ship Sumter, until the crew abandoned her. The ship, given its history, was pretty impressive to me, since I am a Civil War buff. The Constellation was being renovated but the interior was large and the wood was beautiful inside the ship. The crew slept on swinging hammocks. The captain's quarter was large and very impressive, even though he didn't spend much time there.
We ate dinner at a place called Philips Seafood House. After dinner we went to Barnes and Noble, which is located in a renovated Power Plant. On top of the smoke-stake is a colorful guitar because the Hard Rock Cafe is one of the restaurants in the Power Plant.
Saturday we were up early, grabbed a drink and snack, and went to the National Aquarium. The place was fantastic, all five levels of it, filled with sharks, sea turtles, manta rays, jelly fish, dolphins and many other aquatic fish. We sat through a 15-minute film at the 4-D Immersion Theater, where we got sprayed with water and felt the wind and cold in our faces. Later we sat through a Dolphin show. My favorite was the sea turtle, Calypso, right down to the missing left flipper that had to be surgically removed to save the turtles life.
We ate dinner in Little Italy and found a fantastic Italian pastry shop, Vaccaro's, where we bought a half moon cookie, a strawberry vanilla napoleon, a cannoli, raspberry gelato, and a delicious nocciola (hazelnut) gelato. Yeah...we needed to walk the meal and desserts off.
Sunday arrived much too quickly. We ate brunch at the Cheesecake Factory and ended our visit on a 45-minute cruise of the Inner Harbor. As we went by the Domino Sugar Factory, the air was saturated with a pleasant odor, ending our trip to the Inner Harbor on a sweet note.
Friday, September 10, 2010
A Cultural Weekend
I lived in Cleveland, Ohio, from the time I was six, until I was 22. After I married, I moved to St. Louis, Missouri. From my moves, I learned one important lesson - to take advantage of the area where I lived, and see the sights.
I now live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Rivers, bridges, and tunnels divide the city. People who live in the South Hills have to come through a tunnel to cross bridges to get to the North Hills area and visa versa. Some people never even venture out of the area, or their comfort zone. Cleveland is much the same in the fact that there is an East Side and a West Side. I grew up on the West Side of Cleveland, and my family seldom ventured into the East Side.
A few months ago when I was in Cleveland, visiting a friend, we took in the sights of Cleveland. I had been to the Italian Cultural Renaissance Gardens in University Circle, located along East Blvd., and Martin Luther King Drive. We went to see the Gardens in early spring. Besides, I had written a story about the Gardens, submitted the story to an Italian/American magazine, and it was accepted. The editor asked for more photos of the Gardens.
The Gardens are located on both the upper and lower levels. There are about 26 other Nationality Gardens along the area, and a few more are in the planning stages. As for the Italian Gardens - don't let gardens throw you. It is more of a cultural garden with replicas of Italian fountains, walkways, sculptor pieces, and plaques, honoring Italians and their heritage.
Our second stop, we visited St. Paul's Shrine located on 40th Street and Euclid Avenue. The church is old and also home to the religious order of Poor Clair Sisters, a cloistered order, who spends their time in prayer.
St. Paul's is beyond beautiful. It is like what heaven might be and it felt very peaceful inside. I had read about this church in a book called, Stalking the Divine by Kristin Ohlson. That was the reason that I wanted to see the church and experience what the writer did. While sitting in one of the pews, that were polished and gleaming, I saw all the religious painting on the ceilings and walls. Everything sparkled and seemed fresh and new like the life-like statues, and beautiful stained glass windows. I felt in awe and peace. Just like the writer felt as she described the interior of the church. I also felt that it was worth seeing and so much more.
The next day we visited Lake View Cemetery, Cleveland's 141-year-old cemetery that once used to be an arboretum and outdoor museum. It is definitely old but beautiful, and anyone can be buried there. There are a number of important people that are buried in the cemetery, like: James A. Garfield, 20th President of the United States, John D. Rockefeller, philanthropist, Carl B. Stokes, first African American Mayor of Cleveland, and Eliot Ness, famous for going after Al Capone, and for being the first police commissioner in Cleveland.
A number of flowering trees were in bloom - cherry trees, tulips, magnolias, dogwoods, and others showing off a variety of spectacular colors as well as wonderful fragrances. The day we drove throughout the cemetery was Daffodil Sunday, where 100,000 daffodils were in bloom throughout the cemetery and along one particular hillside area. It was all beautiful and spectacular!
The weekend was delightful and a part of Cleveland that I hadn't really seen before. If anyone is thinking of planning a small trip to Cleveland, check out Cleveland's Cultural Gardens, St. Paul's Shrine and Lake View Cemetery. I promise that you won't be disappointed.
I now live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Rivers, bridges, and tunnels divide the city. People who live in the South Hills have to come through a tunnel to cross bridges to get to the North Hills area and visa versa. Some people never even venture out of the area, or their comfort zone. Cleveland is much the same in the fact that there is an East Side and a West Side. I grew up on the West Side of Cleveland, and my family seldom ventured into the East Side.
A few months ago when I was in Cleveland, visiting a friend, we took in the sights of Cleveland. I had been to the Italian Cultural Renaissance Gardens in University Circle, located along East Blvd., and Martin Luther King Drive. We went to see the Gardens in early spring. Besides, I had written a story about the Gardens, submitted the story to an Italian/American magazine, and it was accepted. The editor asked for more photos of the Gardens.
The Gardens are located on both the upper and lower levels. There are about 26 other Nationality Gardens along the area, and a few more are in the planning stages. As for the Italian Gardens - don't let gardens throw you. It is more of a cultural garden with replicas of Italian fountains, walkways, sculptor pieces, and plaques, honoring Italians and their heritage.
Our second stop, we visited St. Paul's Shrine located on 40th Street and Euclid Avenue. The church is old and also home to the religious order of Poor Clair Sisters, a cloistered order, who spends their time in prayer.
St. Paul's is beyond beautiful. It is like what heaven might be and it felt very peaceful inside. I had read about this church in a book called, Stalking the Divine by Kristin Ohlson. That was the reason that I wanted to see the church and experience what the writer did. While sitting in one of the pews, that were polished and gleaming, I saw all the religious painting on the ceilings and walls. Everything sparkled and seemed fresh and new like the life-like statues, and beautiful stained glass windows. I felt in awe and peace. Just like the writer felt as she described the interior of the church. I also felt that it was worth seeing and so much more.
The next day we visited Lake View Cemetery, Cleveland's 141-year-old cemetery that once used to be an arboretum and outdoor museum. It is definitely old but beautiful, and anyone can be buried there. There are a number of important people that are buried in the cemetery, like: James A. Garfield, 20th President of the United States, John D. Rockefeller, philanthropist, Carl B. Stokes, first African American Mayor of Cleveland, and Eliot Ness, famous for going after Al Capone, and for being the first police commissioner in Cleveland.
A number of flowering trees were in bloom - cherry trees, tulips, magnolias, dogwoods, and others showing off a variety of spectacular colors as well as wonderful fragrances. The day we drove throughout the cemetery was Daffodil Sunday, where 100,000 daffodils were in bloom throughout the cemetery and along one particular hillside area. It was all beautiful and spectacular!
The weekend was delightful and a part of Cleveland that I hadn't really seen before. If anyone is thinking of planning a small trip to Cleveland, check out Cleveland's Cultural Gardens, St. Paul's Shrine and Lake View Cemetery. I promise that you won't be disappointed.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Grief and Joy
I have a number of postings ready to go on the Blog, but somehow I can't see posting mundane, albeit, humorous musings just yet.
I still am trying to sort out my feelings after the death of my brother, I made a quick visit to see my brother before my daughter's wedding. My brother, Jack, expressed surprise that I would visit with the impending wedding. My response was that I just wanted to visit him and would come back after the wedding for a much longer visit. I don't know what made me make the trip to Chicago, a few days after driving 11 hours from the Outer Banks, and a few days before driving into Cleveland for the Friday wedding for my daughter. I was exhausted, but I am thankful and glad that I made that quick trip. It would be the last weekend that I would spend with my brother, who died while I was there.
It was difficult to leave Chicago and go back home. Conflicted with emotions, I knew I had to get things ready to go to Cleveland for the wedding. I felt closer to my brother in Chicago, Being in Chicago helped me to grieve with my niece, her husband, and all of my brother's friends. It helped to share and hear the stories that his friends and colleagues told. My niece, God bless her, said that she would hold the wake and funeral after the wedding. This made it easier for me to leave. I went home a bit less sad.
I went to my daughter's rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception and picnic. I was torn between grief and joy. I tried to smile and at times I was successful and other times I held back tears with down cast eyes. I was sitting in the Church where my daughter was being married. It was the same church where my brother and I grew up, where I made my First Communion and he was the altar server, who held the paten underneath my chin. It was the same church where we were confirmed and graduated. It was also the same church where I was married. I sat in the second pew with a lot of thoughts. Behind me were my ex and his wife. To say that wasn't hard would be a lie. My grief and joy got me through my daughter's ceremony. I honestly believe my brother was there, helping me though every moment of the ceremony and weekend. I think he was saying, "You can do it."
The wedding was beautiful as was my daughter. During the ceremony, my son leaned over and told me how beautiful his sister looked. I agreed, she just didn't look beautiful - she glowed. It felt strange to feel total joy at this moment and other moments throughout the weekend.
Two days later, I drove back to Chicago with two of my children. In another car, my newly married daughter and her husband would be traveling the same turnpikes to come to her uncle's wake and funeral, later in the day. Another car with three of my other children would arrive a little bit after I did. My oldest son and youngest son were driving to Chicago and stayed for three hours and drove home the same day. They couldn't get out of work.
The wake and funeral was the hardest thing that I ever had to face. My brother's death left me as the last surviving member of our small family. I won't be able to call him anymore, email him or visit him. Our trips together to Utica, (our home town), are a thing of the past as was our plan to go to Calabria, Italy, to visit the village of our grandparents. I will never hear Jack call me Mary Louise, or tell me what a great job I did raising nine children, or how good a writer I am.
Now I look back and hope that my daughter knows that I was there at her wedding, sometimes my mind drifted, but I was there and happy for her. She made a beautiful bride and I am so happy for her and her new husband, Al, who is my favorite and only son-in-law.
I am still grieving for my brother. The roller coaster ride of grief and joy are still there but each day it gets a little bit better. I know that in time, some day, I will see my brother again. Maybe when I am quiet, I will be able to feel his presence, and hear his voice saying, "Hi, Mary Louise...I love you, too."
I still am trying to sort out my feelings after the death of my brother, I made a quick visit to see my brother before my daughter's wedding. My brother, Jack, expressed surprise that I would visit with the impending wedding. My response was that I just wanted to visit him and would come back after the wedding for a much longer visit. I don't know what made me make the trip to Chicago, a few days after driving 11 hours from the Outer Banks, and a few days before driving into Cleveland for the Friday wedding for my daughter. I was exhausted, but I am thankful and glad that I made that quick trip. It would be the last weekend that I would spend with my brother, who died while I was there.
It was difficult to leave Chicago and go back home. Conflicted with emotions, I knew I had to get things ready to go to Cleveland for the wedding. I felt closer to my brother in Chicago, Being in Chicago helped me to grieve with my niece, her husband, and all of my brother's friends. It helped to share and hear the stories that his friends and colleagues told. My niece, God bless her, said that she would hold the wake and funeral after the wedding. This made it easier for me to leave. I went home a bit less sad.
I went to my daughter's rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception and picnic. I was torn between grief and joy. I tried to smile and at times I was successful and other times I held back tears with down cast eyes. I was sitting in the Church where my daughter was being married. It was the same church where my brother and I grew up, where I made my First Communion and he was the altar server, who held the paten underneath my chin. It was the same church where we were confirmed and graduated. It was also the same church where I was married. I sat in the second pew with a lot of thoughts. Behind me were my ex and his wife. To say that wasn't hard would be a lie. My grief and joy got me through my daughter's ceremony. I honestly believe my brother was there, helping me though every moment of the ceremony and weekend. I think he was saying, "You can do it."
The wedding was beautiful as was my daughter. During the ceremony, my son leaned over and told me how beautiful his sister looked. I agreed, she just didn't look beautiful - she glowed. It felt strange to feel total joy at this moment and other moments throughout the weekend.
Two days later, I drove back to Chicago with two of my children. In another car, my newly married daughter and her husband would be traveling the same turnpikes to come to her uncle's wake and funeral, later in the day. Another car with three of my other children would arrive a little bit after I did. My oldest son and youngest son were driving to Chicago and stayed for three hours and drove home the same day. They couldn't get out of work.
The wake and funeral was the hardest thing that I ever had to face. My brother's death left me as the last surviving member of our small family. I won't be able to call him anymore, email him or visit him. Our trips together to Utica, (our home town), are a thing of the past as was our plan to go to Calabria, Italy, to visit the village of our grandparents. I will never hear Jack call me Mary Louise, or tell me what a great job I did raising nine children, or how good a writer I am.
Now I look back and hope that my daughter knows that I was there at her wedding, sometimes my mind drifted, but I was there and happy for her. She made a beautiful bride and I am so happy for her and her new husband, Al, who is my favorite and only son-in-law.
I am still grieving for my brother. The roller coaster ride of grief and joy are still there but each day it gets a little bit better. I know that in time, some day, I will see my brother again. Maybe when I am quiet, I will be able to feel his presence, and hear his voice saying, "Hi, Mary Louise...I love you, too."
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