Coping

I have a number of posts to put on the Blog - at least a dozen. My writing has slowed down a bit. My drive to query and mail out stories is at a stand still. Except for the Blog writing, even my daily journal has suffered.

It has been almost two months since the death of my brother. I have been working on a short story about him, along with collecting stories, old and new, that I put into my file.

Right now - things do not have much meaning for me. I have tried to keep to some sort of routine, exercising at the gym, running necessary errands, helping my daughter in her catering kitchen, and baby-sitting whenever I am asked. Frankly, it is all a routine and I am just going through the everyday motions of life. If I were left alone, I think that I would stay in my pajamas, sit on my rocker in my bedroom, and watch television, non-stop.

I don't know if this is how others cope when faced with the death of a close family member? When my parents died years ago, I was younger. My nine children kept me busy and kept me from thinking. They pulled me along in different directions.

Since the house is quiet, I keep myself busy by getting out, even as I longingly look at my rocker and television to escape from the reality of life and loss. This is how I have been coping. Is it easier? Yes, in some ways I have accepted the death of my brother. I don't seem to cry as often. But the tears come unexpectedly when I receive a phone call from my niece, or an email mentioning him, or when I see his picture, or work on my short story about him. Tears come at the oddest times.

Sometimes, I find myself angry with other people and snap at them for some innocent comment, or trivial remark. I see all of this in a logical way but I still can't make sense of it. I guess that is how it will be for a long time. I am trying to cope as time goes on. I am trying to decide about doing something totally different to help me. But I'm still not quite there. Not just yet.