Toxic People

My youngest daughter would always remark about Toxic Friends – the kind who complain over and over and can’t find any positives in their lives, or say things continuously to bring you down…way down. Her advice would always be to stay away from them.

I had one friend that did that to me and I removed that person from my life. I also had an ex- sister-in-law who could never make you feel good about yourself and your family. Whatever accomplishments you or your family had, that person could never say – “congratulations, or that is great”. No, she had to play the ‘one up game,’ where she had to top everything you said. It was like being in a contest with only one player playing.

But a few days ago, I realized that Toxic Friends can include Toxic Acquaintances and just plain Toxic People. They are everywhere and can affect you in a strange and negative way. Over breakfast, a close friend and I were talking about an old acquaintance we both knew from a long time ago. At first, she was an interesting, and very creative person to know. My friend and I hadn’t seen this woman in over 10 years, and we were both left with a better feeling. We both wondered if this woman had changed.

Oddly, in less then a week, I ran into this woman in the grocery store. We exchanged pleasantries, asked each other about our families, and what we were doing now. From our exchanges, I knew that this woman may have grown older, but she hadn’t changed – not one little bit. She dropped the name of Harvard as she told me her son would be graduating from there and he had not just one job offer but two job offers, and her two daughters were married and one lived on the East coast and the other on the West coast. One of them would be getting their MBA. I remained mute about my children other then they were fine and all but two lived close by. She asked if I was still writing or whatever I was doing, in a patronizing voice. I said yes and added as an afterthought, that I had published a book. Big mistake on my part! With a few comments, and without missing a beat, she informed me that her husband published a book and thought it was fun. We said goodbye.

I walked away feeling relieved, disgruntled, and very small. I also knew that she is the same insufferable, self centered person and I was grateful knowing we wouldn’t be hanging out with each other. We wouldn’t be seeing each other, unless we ran into one another in the grocery store. I know that I don’t like playing the one- up game. That isn’t my style. This woman is good at it, much like my ex-sister-in-all. Both are at the top of their games. To be honest, what got under my skin was that I could never articulate my feeling to either woman because, that, too, isn’t my style.

I pretty much thought that it must be hard to live with this woman, who measured and weighed everything by labels and names. I decided that had to be pretty hard. Maybe it was a telling moment knowing that in fact, that all three of her children lived far away from Pittsburgh, and will probably never move back.

Why do people go out of their way to make other people feel little? Is it that they are insecure or insensitive or just so full of themselves, that they can’t allow others to take the spotlight off of their own narcissist self for one second?