Divorce Still Stings

I was talking to a friend about divorce the other day. My friend is young, with three children and she was sharing her story with me. It is so amazing that everything she said, I understood totally. I felt her pain. I understood her lost, her emptiness, but mostly her tears.

It is important to have people to talk to when you are going through a divorce. It can’t be your children because it is important for them not to take sides. Even though you would love them to say, I have your back and I understand. It is nice to have someone tell you that things will work out in the end, that you will land on your feet, that you will live to take another deep breath, and that you will survive.

I understood my friend’s frustration of being married and following the rules and doing the right thing, only to end up on the short end of things., only to end up frustrated and lonely. I felt her frustration knowing that she would be the one raising those kids most of the time, she would worry about finances and her desire to have someone share her life with her.

I laughed when she asked me if I ever dated after my divorce. No, was my response. I never dated, not because I hate men. I will be honest…hate is a very personal thing. And as a Catholic hatred is wrong. But hatred also keeps you from moving forward. I do reserve a bitter dislike for my ex though. Maybe that is close to hatred as I have moved toward. But no, I have no desire to date. Maybe because I am older and more set in my ways. Maybe it is because I have become that crazy cat woman who lives alone and likes it. I do not want to meet anyone and lose myself in that process and end up on the short end of things ever again.

Divorce is lonely. Divorce makes you belong to a club that you do not choose to be in. When your divorce is finalized, you don’t realize that it is you and only you. No one has your back. You wake up alone, go to bed alone, there is no one to ask advice from, there is always that empty chair across from you, no one to watch television with, and no one to laugh with.

Other people who have never gone through divorce do not know how you feel. They can commiserate or tell you that their spouse is away for the night or for a few days and they understand how you feel. But the reality is that they come back home, that it is only temporary, that they are not left alone every night, every week, every month. or every year. Those are the real facts.

I told my friend to get into a group and talk to other people. Talk is the key to help you get through this horrible time. Even if it is better to be apart, you still have all those ups and downs. And yes, men do have it better. They go off to their bachelor pad and they see their kids on the weekends or cancel if they have a business trip. They don’t have to worry about packing their lunches, cleaning their clothes, feeding them, taking them to their extra-curricular practices, having their friends over and just being there for them. I know that sometimes the man is the one who got left, and is taking care of the children. But men are lucky in the fact that they seem to meet someone else, quicker and easier. I also know for a fact that I never had anyone set me up with a date and I chose not to go to a bar to find a guy or didn’t even try a dating service. So much for all of that.

As for my friend…as we talked her tears came and went a number of times. She is just at the painful beginning of things but the reality of what is ahead is what is hitting her. She and I are in a club, the divorce club. We never chose it for ourselves. But we are there. I will help her anyway I can. But I do know there will be a lot of tears along the way. And then one day they will stop. Like me, my young friend will be able to breathe easier and she, too, will survive all of this. But deep down, there will still be a pain that never seems to heal, completely.